Am I expecting to much?
My DS, 10, has only been out of PS for 2 weeks. I am pleased having
him home and he seems very happy. I think that I had this vision of
him taking on projects, reading on his own, exploring things, etc. and
it’s just not happening. Am I expecting too much, too soon? All he’s
doing right now is riding his dirt bike, playing playstation, watching
TV, and playing basketball and baseball. Reassure me that it’s all
going to be OK.
***
It looks like he has already taken on some projects. He’s doing things
outside, enjoying life (is he getting *nothing* from television?), and
relaxing. His brain is still on a holiday after only 2 weeks. The
*average* turnaround time for children who have been in “the system” is
usually 1 month for every year of school they were in. That means if your
child was in school for 3 years it would be a minimum of 3 *months* before
he feels safe enough to start venturing into some of his own ideas. For
some children it is quicker as they are excited about being able to pursue
their own interests. For others it is longer as it takes time to get the
school mentality out of their system. And he is pursuing his own
interests. It will build. Give him time.
***
Sounds like he’s deschooling — perfectly natural and to be expected when you
first bring a child home from school. A general guideline I’ve seen is to allow
one month of deschooling for every year spent in school. Your son was in the
4th or 5th grade, so at least 5 or 6 months of time for him. And how long were
you in school? Probably the usual 12 to 16, right? So allow a year or more for
yourself to get the hang of this whole unschooling life.
For today — and the rest of your days? Breathe. Read all you can here an at
the favorite unschooling websites — there are a bunch of links at this group’s
homepage. Read at Sandra’s site, and Joyce’s, and Ren’s and Danielle’s. See if
you can get a copy of Rue’s book, or Sandra’s book. Stay up late. Sleep late.
Make a big, fun breakfast together. Watch your son ride his bike or play
basketball. Just for fun — not to see if he’s improved, or if he’s ‘had
enough’ fun. Go to the zoo, or the park, or anywhere he wants to go. Learn to
play his favorite video game with him. Read. Be silly. Explore the real world
around you.
Read about and consider attending the upcoming Live & Learn conference in
Albuquerque. We’ll be there (we live in Abq) with our 10 year old son this
September. It’s at www.liveandlearnconference.org. Or find your way to the L&L
conf yahoo group. There’s probably a link for that at the homepage, too.
***
Imagine you were kept in a cage all day every day for years. One
day, someone opened your cage and let you out. Wouldn’t you run as
fast and far as you could, and jump and twirl and smell the flowers
and watch the clouds and all those things that you couldn’t do (or
had very limited access to) all those years? And, too, wouldn’t you
avoid ANYTHING that looked like the things from the cage, even if
some of it might be fun-looking? You’d suspect it was bait to trap
you again most likely. That’s precisely what he’s doing. He *is*
exploring things – dirt bike, baseball, basketball, playstation, TV.
What you were expecting was not exploring but rather ‘exploring
things in ways that look like school’. That may never happen. If you
keep looking for him to suddenly decide to do things that look like
school, you may end up getting really disappointed and nervous. So
stop looking for things that look like school. Start, instead,
looking for stuff that looks like fun. Watch TV together, get out
there and see if ole Mom can still hit a free throw, find some cool
dirt bike magazines to leave in the bathroom magazine rack for him.
And, to some extent, start doing things -you- want to do (balance
spending time with him with doing your own stuff). If you are
picking up a hobby that’s been sitting neglected or finding one
you’ve always wanted to do, you’ll have less sitting and looking and
more living going on. If it helps, consider this an extended
vacation time. Do you expect him to pick up projects and such on
weekends and holidays? Become a student of your son and look for
ways to help him do what -he- is choosing to do – whether it’s
driving him to the videogame store or getting tickets to a motocross
event or setting reminder timers/VCR record timers for his favorite
programs.
***
I’d say it’s too soon. We pulled our kids out last May, and they are
still recovering ;-) Of course, the little ones were really involved
in school since they were born, because Emily was 20 months and
Rachel was 6months when Josh and Bre started school. We were up
there every day, all day sometimes. So even the younger ones had to
adjust to not having this big idea of school in their lives.
Some days are really full of crafts and projects, but many of them
are TV, video games and laying around in the dirt. Still helpful,
still good for the soul. Kids need to move alot to learn anyway, and
that is probably how your son learns!
Some kids just take longer anyway, depending on their personality. I
found in my own family, that the kids who did ‘better’ in school (ie
more compliant and better grades) had more trouble adjusting to the
real world. Josh in particular would just ask me to assign work so he
could feel good about accomplishing something. But Breanna and Rachel
(both more independent thinkers, want to do their own things)
recovered faster and started back on their own stuff. Josh and Emily
are different, not sure how to put it.
What I do is go to Borders or Barnes and Noble, sometimes Toys R Us
and hobby lobby, they have a bunch of fun kits on clearance, we have
places all over the house where we store craft stuff and the kits,
and they just do it whenever they want. And I do my fun stuff too, so
that they can see me doing stuff I like. modeling clay, decoupage,
paper mache. I started a bunch of projects and they take over. Gotta
go, itchy kids!
***
Our public library has tons of books
on tape for both adults and children. The children’s ones come with the
book included most of the time so they can read along if they like (or if it
is picture books just look at the pictures.) One of our favorite books on
tape was to The Gardner. It’s about a girl during the great depression who
goes to live with family members because her parents are going through a
rough time (financially). It’s a lovely book and always makes me smile!
The voice on the tape is soothing and sweet. Some children’s books on tape
are annoying because of the person reading the book sounds like they are
reading down to the kids.
And there is nothing wrong with watching video adaptations of books either.
As much as I love the written word, I enjoy movies as well!
***
I want to say that your son’s current activities sound like unschooling to me!
If you want him to read, it needs to be something about his interests. And he
is already “exploring things” and “taking on projects.” I wonder if you
expected him to decide to study something more school-ish. Maybe take on a
project like building his own Egyptian pyramid from card board. I know there
are kids that are way into ancient Egypt, but it sounds like your kid is the
more physical type. And he is developing the interests that are important to
him.
I guess I want to make sure you understand that unschooling is going to look a
lot like what you are seeing right now. This is your son without school. You
don’t have a bookish kid. You have your son, and he sounds fabulous just the
way he is!!
To unschool, you take those interests that you listed, and make sure he has what
he needs to persue those interests–like other people that are also interested
in those things.
I am always late on adding to the discussion here, but I really want to point
out that other replies to this topic make it sound like after your son is
finished deschooling, then he will do more things that look like what you were
expecting. Instead, I think he will continue to be himself only better: he
won’t have school.
***
Have they asked to arts and crafts or other things? What are YOU doing?
Are you pursuing your interests? Do they see you pursuing your interests?
What are your interests? Do you knit, stamp, scrapbook, cook, garden, play
games, take leisure classes, build models, sew, etc? Do you include them in
those interests? Do you get involved in their interests? Do you play xbox
or go outside and roll in the dirt (although I will admit that I would have
problems with that one myself – a tad outside my comfort zone due to really
bad childhood memories LOL!) Get into their world and invite them into
yours. Deschooling does look a whole lot like unschooling.
***
I can really relate to you. (sorry if this is a bit long but I feel for you!)
I was the same way when we first started. Our dd’s are 11 & 12, we pulled
them out of school 17 months ago. (one was in 4th & one in 5th grade) We had
intended on doing curriculum initially, decided to let them DEschool for a while
and soon after that I got a bit freaked out that they weren’t learning anything
and began taking them on a lot of field trips with hs groups and by
ourselves. They very quickly began hating to go any where! I was so surprised! I
figured that they would want to get out and about but they were soooo drained
from
all those yrs. in school. I think they were “tired” and their brains were
“tired” so we quit “doing and going” and we just let them “be and do” on their
own
and I watched them slowly start coming around. They seemed more relaxed and
happier as time went on. At the same time I had been reading more about
unschooling and I could see that that was exactly what we needed in our lives
and from
then on, we never looked back.
You are definitely expecting too much, but I don’t think you should kick
yourself for wondering if you are, it’s hard not to at first and I think it’s
all
a part of “your” learning and growing right a long with your son. (which, for
me, was such a wonderful reality!:o) It can be sort of scary pulling your kid
out and just letting him go, but we (and so many others here) are living proof
that it DOES work and all will be “ok”!
My kids still sit at the computer a lot, watch tv a lot and play outside a
lot, BUT, that is not all they do now! They are into 4-H with their
animals….dog obedience classes, horse shows and clinics, volunteering with
their club,
(all this is LOTS of learning, but they are doing it on their terms, nothing
wrong with that, that’s how I learn best too:o) They have just started their own
business selling eggs from their chickens. They are raising some new chicks
that they bought right now and are planning on mating one of last yrs. hens
with their new rooster so that they can hatch some out themselves in the
incubator and also have one of the hens hatch a few. All of this will require
that
they learn about how to do it, again they are doing it on their own and it’s all
pretty much things they probably wouldn’t have done when they were in school,
they would have been too tired, busy with school work and so turned off at
learning anything after sitting in a class rm. all day being forced) They are
also into figure skating and are able to do it way more now than if they were in
school. (they & their coach love going during the school day, they have the
place to themselves:o) They read books & magazines that “they want” to read,
when they feel like it, which, for them is a lot, they both happen to like
reading, but hated forced reading in school and who doesn’t! Our oldest was told
in
the 3rd grade by a teacher that “she just wasn’t good at math and that she
better study a lot harder or she wouldn’t be able to make it once she got up to
the 5th grade” She always did great in school, but had a bit of trouble in
math. Ya know what that did to her? In her eyes it told her that she was dumb,
that she just wasn’t capable of learning math, so, she ended up HATING math and
all of her other grades went down hill that yr. Since unschooling, there are no
grades and we have never forced anything on them, including math and the
other day, my Katie, the one who fought me tooth and nail about doing math when
she was in school said “Ya know what Mom? I actually like math now, it’s fun!”
(of course I about fell over) and she continued with, “I am good at it and I
know I always could have been.” (she said that with a grin) “I just didn’t want
to do it when I was in school. I was just like that because if I didn’t
understand something in math I always felt like they thought I was stupid. I
hated
being embarrassed about it.”
I think at the beginning our kids had this huge & overwhelming feeling of
relief, they needed that time to just “be” without any pressures from anything
or
anyone…. what a liberating feeling that must have been for them. <g> You
are doing such a great thing for your son and he will thank you for it and you
will thank yourself. Our whole family has benefited from unschooling. Our
family is closer and we seem to have this unique bond between us now that I
think
schooled families unfortunately cannot obtain.
***
When we first started, Julian had been in school through the third grade. We
had some glorious ideas of the things he would do. We’d read the book Better
Than School, by Nancy Wallace, and expected that Julian, who was also
interested in music, would be writing operas, doing scientific exploration,
etc.
Nah…. But Julian has actually turned out quite well, and he’s 16 and I almost
never panic that I’ve messed up his life forever. ;)
Relax. He has some time and freedom to play and be outside during the
daylight for the first time in a long time. He sounds like he’s having a really
healthy deschooling process and that he’s really happy. Just keep an eye out for
when he might like to go or do something cool. And play with him. It’s gonna
be okay…it already is.
***
They are “supposed” to be doing what makes sense for each of them and for your
family. That’s it. I’m serious too! :o)
Your part in all of this is to bring interesting things and ideas into their
lives. Give them possibilities. Offer them books, movies, games, activities,
friends, conversation, art, music, etc. Offer them the world! Then follow their
lead. They’ll choose what sparks an interest for them.
Remember, LOTS of times a kid just needs to roll in the dirt. <g>
