“Cool” parents
Her oldest daughter said to her mom that she should be the “cool” mom. Her mom’s response was something like this…”Cool moms have the kids who drink, smoke, and do drugs, so I won’t be the cool mom.”
She said it in a way that sounded like it was a common saying repeated by others too. I was almost offended by it because in my neighborhood, I AM the “cool” mom and all the kids congregate here because they like it here.
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The kids in the neighborhood think of me as the “cool” mom, not because I allow drugs in my house, but because I’m nice and don’t have all these stupid rules that all the other parents have. I’ve probably had more in depth conversations with a lot of these kids than their parents have. It’s sad really, but I like being there for my own kids and that sometimes includes the neighbor kids. I also don’t enforce their parents rules. If I’m aware of the rule they are breaking and I don’t have a problem with it, I let them know that it is their own judgement call to go against their parents wishes and that I am in no way telling them to do it, I just won’t stand in their way.
Some of the neighbor kids use my bathroom instead of their own just to avoid contact with their parents because having to “go home” is a bad thing for them. Not bad as in parents that beat them, but bad in that if they show their faces they may have to do chores or run errands while their parents are watching tv.
I get the inside scoop of who “likes” who and who’s parent can’t know or they will be grounded. It’s funny really that all these parents have rules based on fear and what “should” be thinking that their rules are all it takes to keep their kids from doing those things and here they are finding creative ways of circumventing the rules and not getting caught. Getting caught is the only time a rule makes any difference for them. Here I am knowing everything and being with the kids enough to know what’s going on and being there to help as needed. Only, no sneakyness, no hiding from me, and in fact asked to be around.
That common misconception that teens don’t want to hang out with parents, just hasn’t held true here. I know my dd isn’t a teen yet, but half the kids are and they like me being around just as much as my own kids do!
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Rules can frequently have a mechanistic and arbitrary quality. They often aren’t “up for discussion”. In a “take it or leave it” household, sometimes the kids just have to take it. Having discussions and trying to find agreements is more personal and interactive than just having a rule. I get that rules can be sort of simple and efficient (for instance in a school), but I see the possibility that rules can be quite impersonal and create distance. Most kids would rather be treated personally than impersonally.
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Being a ‘friend’ to your child is frowned upon in more traditional homeschooling circles. The whole idea of the child needs a strong parental figure with firm boundaries, not a friend. I never understood that. I see a friend as someone who has your best interests at heart, wants to help you attain your goals, wishes the best for you but respects your choices but would also let you know if she felt you were headed down the wrong path. I have a friend like that. She would let me know if I was really messing up.
My older two, 16 & 14, tell me I’m a cool mom. They’ve both tried cigarettes, not regularly. They’ve tried alcohol at the table with mom and dad. They’ve never done drugs (yes, I’d bet my life on it) and they wouldn’t sneak their boyfriend in to have sex in our house because they respect us. Of course, for a lot of parents that would prove I’m not a good mom.
It’s not that I would let or not let them (that’s not the issue). It’s simply that so many of those fears that parents have – if I’m not strict my kids will do …….. – they just really have never come up. I think that most of the kids out there that get into ‘that kind of trouble’ don’t have ‘cool’ parents.
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We do not have a rule about boys in the house. My daughter’s boyfriend comes over quite often, a couple times a week, and they watch movies up in her room. She never had to ask if that was okay. When I said respect, I meant mutual respect. We respect her. I don’t go upstairs and knock on her door to check up on them. (Her boyfriend’s mother always has younger siblings keeping an eye on them or she is always peeking in on them. He’s amazed I leave them alone.) In return, I can’t see her sneaking her boyfriend in. Also, I meant that because we haven’t told her “Don’t have your boyfriend in your room, don’t be necking in our house, don’t, don’t, don’t.” that she doesn’t sneak. She doesn’t have to tell me everything she does, she tells me what chooses to – although she seems to be very open – but that’s different than intentionally sneaking around trying to keep things from your parents. We are always working on being open with our girls. If she had sex, she might choose to keep it private for a while or longer but she wouldn’t tell me because she was afraid of punishment or losing our respect. That’s what I see as sneaking. I don’t think being sneaky would feel right to her. Being private would be okay. Sneaking, as opposed to choosing not share something (I think there’s a difference) wouldn’t feel respectful to her. But maybe respect wasn’t the right word.
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But on Saturday night when I texted my son to say we (dh, ds15, my friend and her dd16, and me) would be out when he got home because we were driving out to the thermal pools for the evening for a swim, he (22yo) and his girlfriend, his best friend and his girlfriend (all homeschoolers who I have known forever) jumped in a car and came too. They enjoy our company. That’s good enough for me!
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I think these issues go deeper than coolness. Saying “not in my house” opens the door for children to experiment on their own and no trusted parents close by to influence or guide them. The best protection is to be close to home, and openly able to share *all* their lives with parents. Cool may or may not be a side effect of *not* saying “not in my house”… There are some things I don’t want and there are laws to consider. But it could be worse if parents aren’t their children’s friends. I agree with (name removed)’s comment that bad things are more likely to happen to children of parents who aren’t cool. But it can happen to those who *think* they’re *in* with their kids but because of “family rules and such” close off their minds to what might be going on in the background. (Not saying anybody in particular is closeminded.)
I don’t think what we allow kids has anything to do with coolness or permissiveness but safety. You can’t prevent molesters from being molesters or druggers from pushing and selling drugs. The proactive thing you *can* do is prevent your child from being friendless– having you to come to when things are not right or arent’ going well. I want my kid to be able with talk to me.
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The concept of “permissive” hasn’t been part of our lives for a long time and I’d kind of forgotten that lots (most?) people would think that what prevents kids from drinking, smoking, doing drugs, having sex, is parents NOT being permissive. I don’t “allow” or “not allow” my kids to drink, smoke, etc. First, I’m not under the illusion that I could have control over my teenagers. If they wanted to do these things, they’d certainly be able to figure out how to do it with or without my permission. Second, I don’t give or withhold “permission” for anything (unless one of the kids wants to borrow my stuff).
It might be hard for most parents to imagine that there is another option – that “permissive” or “not permissive” are not the only options.
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Better to think about what kind of parent we want to be, rather than just accept that there is some decree from on high that tells us what a parent is supposed to be. Better not to start from the assumption that being a good parent means enforcing rules.
It won’t hurt to consider the possibility that parents don’t actually need to enforce rules at all. It will take some imagination to be able to envision how that can work – most people will jump instantly from “no rules enforcement” to “children go wild.” But it isn’t dangerous – won’t hurt the kids – just to imagine it.
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The afforementioned neighbor just sent my daughter running home crying because they apparently have a ban on anything anime in their home and my daughter was reading an anime novel in their back yard while playing with their kids.
While they may view their rules as being reasonable, I would never ever tell a guest in my house that they were not permitted to read a novel of their choosing in my house, (barring something blatently inappropriate around kids).
It’s really unfortunate that it has to be that way. I’m sure they probably won’t allow their kids to play with mine now. Oddly enough my daughter, is really one of the most modest, decent, kind, and fair people I know. I’m not just saying that because I’m biased. It really is true, people gravitate towards her because of those beautiful qualities.
All that woman saw was a book, she completely missed the person behind it! I don’t think she is a “cool” mom at all! Not in the sense that I would use the word “cool”. Not only not a “cool” mom, but not a “cool” person! I ache for my daughter’s heart. It hurt her deeply to be treated so rudely and unfairly.
By the way, this is the first book that my daughter has picked up to read EVER! She’s hardly put it down since she started reading it and I think it’s a beautiful thing that she is interested in it!
So I say, she did the right thing to come home. Why waste time being around people that injure the spirits of children, even if they have nice kids that my daughter likes to play with. There are always other kids, and guess where they are? Yes, in my house right now happily discussing everything anime.
Being the “cool” mom has the advantage of kids feeling accepted for who they are and wanting to be here because of it.
Why why why do so many people treat kids as sub human????!!!! I just don’t think I will ever understand people like that. Treating kids differently than how you treat adults would really only imply that you are teaching them to treat others the same way. How can parents treat their kids so wrong and expect them to be adults and “get” how to be good people. It would seem to be the opposite effect. The more unfairly and wrong you treat someone the more they will pick up that behavior and repeat it.
I like the idea that by treating my children with respect and kindness that they will grow up knowing how to treat others with respect and kindness and then show their kids, and so forth and so on.
