Deschooling and Trust
Hello, I started homeschooling our dd 6weeks ago. She is 9 years old
and I have a 2year old as well. For the first 4 weeks we did
curriculum 6 subjects a day. That wore us out real fast and we found
no joy in it and she wasnt absorbing any of it anyway.
Then I discovered Unschooling. My problem is this. Ever since we
stopped homeschooling she plays toontown online or everquest from 8am
to 9pm straight with few breaks for meals, snacks, and one chore. It
is frustrating me because I feel she needs to be doing some other
things. And if I let her do this she is going to grow up not wanting
to go to work and just sit home and veg in front of the computer all
day.
I want to take some what of an unschooling approach but for our very
strongwilled child we need some sort of guidline limits as well.
***
Unschooling is so much about trust. And for now I would suggest you really just
sit back and relax and read read read unschooling lists and books and magazines.
You really have no idea what your dd will be doing a year from now. Or for that
matter 10 years from now. When fears creep into my consciousness i hug my
children and tell them i love them. They need complete acceptance in order to
be themselves and for a child who has been in school – she’ll need to rediscover
what that self is.
I would ask – why do you think you would need to set limits and guidelines for a
strong willed child? My experience with my own strong willed energetic kids is
that the more i push the more they push back. if i work with them instead of
against or around them – the more we ultimately work together, graciously and in
harmony.
***
My biggest worry is that 12 to 13 hours sitting at a desk without moving
her muscles or the slightest of exercise is not healthy for one thing,
then she wants to eat in front of the computer instead of with me and
her brother. Also my husband said absolutely not are we going to let
her sit and play computer games ALL day long. He made me promise to
teach at least one subject a day, which I have been doing but more of a
fun way for her like funbrain.com or typing a story with pictures she
finds on the internet or kidsdomain.com which is all still computer but
its something other then killing bad guys all day.
***
> My biggest worry is that 12 to 13 hours sitting at a desk without
> moving
> her muscles or the slightest of exercise is not healthy for one thing,
It won’t last forever. Honest. And the more you’re happy for her that
she has the freedom to recover and do what brings her joy, the faster
she’ll be able to embrace other things.
People end up in full body casts and grow up to be healthy. A month
in front of the computer won’t leave any permanent health scars. She
will want to move around when she feels confident that she *could*
choose to spend all day on the computer.
> then she wants to eat in front of the computer instead of with me and
> her brother.
Again, it won’t be forever. And the more you make it a negative time
for her, the further she’ll retreat and want to hang onto what’s
comforting her. Right now it’s like a child who has regressed to some
baby-like behavior when a new baby comes in the house. Mostly it’s
about finally having the freedom to do the things she enjoys the most
at the moment. And partly it’s like a thumb, a blankie or a pacifier.
The more you pull her away from it, the more she’s going to want to
cling to it.
*Do* offer other fun things to do. But celebrate her freedom with
her. Enjoy that you’re able to bring joy into her life.
She will move on.
> Also my husband said absolutely not are we going to let
> her sit and play computer games ALL day long.
What your husband needs is a totally separate issue from what your
daughter needs. They shouldn’t be tangled up.
> He made me promise to
> teach at least one subject a day, which I have been doing but more
> of a
> fun way for her like funbrain.com or typing a story with pictures she
> finds on the internet or kidsdomain.com which is all still
> computer but
> its something other then killing bad guys all day.
As long as she’s having fun :-) And you’re helping your husband feel
good about it too.
***
It
is frustrating me because I feel she needs to be doing some other things.
~~~
It sounds like she’s deschooling — detoxing from the time spent in school,
and on curriculum schooling at home. Eventually, she will have her fill of
computer time and feel ready to venture away from that for other things. Have
you offered fun alternatives for her to do? Not ‘here, leave the computer and
spend time learning something’ but ‘hey, how about we hit the mall to window
shop and people watch?’ or the park, or ice rink, or bowling alley or anything
else you think she might enjoy doing.
The learning will follow — it’s impossible to be alive and not learning
something all the time. Really. So, while she’s deschooling, spending her days
however she does (computer, etc) you can take that time to read, read, read
about unschooling, deschooling, trusting your children and the like. Try
www.sandradodd.com and http://home.earthlink.net/~fetteroll/rejoycing/ and
www.unschooling.info and Danielle Conger’s website (don’t have that addy handy,
but someone else will I’m sure).
~~~
And if I let her do this she is going to grow up not wanting to go to work and
just sit home and veg in front of the computer all day.
~~~
Speaking as the Mom of one child who spent 11 years in school before coming
home, I can tell you this is exactly the desire of kids forced to spend 11 years
in school — sit in front of the computer all day, escaping from the demands of
the life and process forced on them by the adults. If you think school is
damaging, flawed and dangerous (I know it is) why ever would you bring that into
your child’s home?
~~~
I want to take some what of an unschooling approach but for our very
strongwilled child we need some sort of guidline limits as well.
~~~
What you shared doesn’t give me any indication she’s a ‘strong-willed’ child.
Which, by the way, I consider to be a good thing. It’s funny, as a society we
call a child strong-willed only when his desire differs from ours. If she were
as focused on ‘learning something’ or excelling in school as she is in playing
on the computer, it would be called ‘determined’ or ‘disciplined.’
Rather than being an exhausted and frustrated Mom, you could drop the
expectations and chooose to be a joyous Mom, expectantly awaiting the next
amazing thing your child finds to explore with that strong will.
***
Ever since we
stopped homeschooling she plays toontown online or everquest from 8am
to 9pm straight with few breaks for meals, snacks, and one
chore.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Ok I havent slept in 2 days and exhausted so I prob wont hit all but lets
see…….
Shell be shapening negotiation skills…a fine skill for the business world,
lots of consumer math, not only will she have to read a lot but shell have to do
it quickly. Since shell be talking with a wide range of people it will help with
social skills and relating to many diff types and ages of people. All that
reading is sure to increse her vocabulary. Everytime she creates a new char
shell be working with statistics and probability …..math that may be a bit
advanced for “her age and grade level”.
After she plays the game(s) for a while she may become interested in how the
characters are brought to life in the game. Its possible she will go on to
soending time working with graphics arts. Or she might become interested in the
actual coding part of the game.
Im new at this to. Ive always had an unschooling heart but untill last week my
daughter was in school by choice.
I invite you to join me in learning to let go. Give yourself permission to not
be frustrated. Give youself permission to support your daughter 100% in whatever
she chooses to do at this time. You may see if she is interested in subscribing
to a gaming magazine. Go online with her for tips on game play.
Dont bug but be there to talk to her if she wants to tell you what she
acomplished on the game today or whatever.
As far as thinking she is going to want to play on the computer all day
instead of holding a job.
Well first of all public schoolers are the worst on not wanting to hold down a
job. I have to have a bit of sympathy esp since I was one. The have already had
to work for 10 years when they become old enough to actually get paid for it.
A trend I notice with unschoolers is becoming more creative about how they
gain employment and becoming employed doing something they are passionate about.
As a result they have a much better work ethic, keep their jobs longer and enjoy
doing them a lot more.
If you arent ready to fully let go then think of it like this …there is what
? not quite 3 months of ps left? No child will become horribly behind or off
grade level in a couple months ……I dont care what the schools try to tell
you. Then they would be out for summer anyway. So commit to letting go for 6
months………I do hope you will be glad you did.
***
We have been deschooling for 8 months. My dd, 11yo, did play
toontown, neopets and watched TV all day. But that has changed. She
still plays those games, but not for hours on end anymore.
Those games are good learning tools by the way, so I wouldn’t worry.
My dd has moved on to other interests and is beginning to trust
herself and that is important for her. She now knows where to get
information when she needs it.
I see her growing and learning things everyday, maybe not like the
kids in school. But, she is happier than her peers, she loves
learning now and loves her lifestyle.
It may take even a few months of just toontown but when she comes out
of this stage, she will be ready to trust you and herself.
***
My dd (13) has also been deschooling for about the same amount of
time, and just this past month, has moved away from the computer,
video games and TV, and is interested in doing other things. When
she first ended school last June, she spent the every day on the
computer (Toontown at first, then found World of Warcraft, also some
video games here and there). I think it’s really hard to trust the
whole concept of unschooling when you pull a child from school and
have not lived an unschooling life from day one. It’s hard to
believe that they WILL find their way. And it’s not that
she’s “done” with the deschooling process by any means, and that
she’s all of a sudden saying “OK Mom, I’m ready to get back to those
fractions I had trouble with last year in 6th grade”! Not at ALL!
It’s about her learning to trust herself and becoming an active
participant in her own learning. Remember, when they’re in school,
every minute of every day they’re told what to do, when to do it,
how to do it, etc etc. For real learning to occur, in a way that’s
valid for each child, they need to let go of that.
I’ve certainly had my moments of doubt, but I come here for
inspiration and words of wisdom.
> I see her growing and learning things everyday, maybe not like the
kids in school. But, she is happier than her peers, she loves
learning now and loves her lifestyle.>
Ditto! My dd loves being able to sleep in until she’s done, until
she’s ready to get up and start her day (plus teens need extra
sleep!).
> It may take even a few months of just toontown but when she comes
out of this stage, she will be ready to trust you and herself.>>>
It will take as long as it takes. The hardest part is for you to
be patient and trust. Get to really know your child, what makes
them tick, how they learn. Help them to recapture the love of
learning that often gets squashed in school. It’s going to look a
lot different than public school.
***
I always enjoy your posts and I’m glad to hear that your dd is doing
better. My dd is in a stay at home mode right now, not wanting to
go anywhere. She says she has all she needs right here. The
computer, her PS2, TV, food, her art supplies and of course us.
She is shy and introverted so I am giving her space and time to do
what she wants. She says she is very happy being at home and I’m
happy for her.
I’ve picked up crocheting and watching old movies to pass the time
until she is ready to go out into the world. We also create alot of
art together and I try to play some of her PS2 games, I’m also on
neopets with her.
I wouldn’t trade this life style for the world. Our house is so
calm and happy, a major change from a couple of years ago.
***
Do you really think so little of your child? Do you honestly not think that
she’s just a wonderful person with potential and creativity and desires?
I think it’s important to be really careful about what we say about our kids
whether they can hear us or not.
You’ve only been homeschooling for 6 weeks and unschooling for even less. Give
it time. Give her some space. She’ll emerge from her cocoon of gaming when she’s
ready.
