Enjoying Children
Just wondering if anyone else has been at a point with a child when it has become very difficult to enjoy their company? And if so, how have you gotten through it?
My 5yo dd is a challenge. She is intense, extroverted, extremely verbal, persistant, reactive, demanding, observant, sensitive, and high energy. While we love her for all that she is, her personality has been hard to handle at times. Shortly before coming to this group, I started the journey of more mindful/positive/respectful parenting. I joined a few lists, have been reading recommended books, and working on having a better relationship with dd, and seeing her challenging traits in a different light. It has not been easy, to say the least, but I am commited to ‘unschooling’ my parenting and discipline, and have seen enough successes to know that as inept as I feel, it is the right and better approach.
At various times, and recently, we (dh and I) have been seeing Orion trying new behaviors and testing waters. For example, she will go through periods of time when she is especially bossy and rude to her sister, and nothing we seem to do (negotiating, diverting, waiting to see if they work it out, etc.) helps the conflicts. Lately she has been very adamant about expressing her opinion, over what someone else is saying, before hearing the other person out. She has been increasingly impolite — deliberately pushing, jumping on, touching other family members in annoying ways after being told it is bothering someone. She has been (purposefully?)repeating negative things she hears on tv/movies more and more often. While we want to respect where she is coming from, it is sometimes so very draining, and difficult to remain positive. We have been trying to be as non- reactive as possible, talking through situations, etc. but I am sorry to say that there have been a few days lately where we have been slipping into the old reactions of impatience, anger, yelling etc.
We have been hired a teenage babysitter that has been coming to occupy the girls and give me a break, which helps. We thought perhaps an energy outlet like t-ball would help dd, but I am not sure it has, although she seems to like it. We are looking into a hs support group, thinking that making new friends on a similar path might be good for us all.
I have been reassured that difficulties of this sort are normal for her age, and I want to believe that, but I also do not know anyone who has a child like Orion. If I were to label her, I would definitely say she is spirited to the maximum. Sometimes, at the end of the day, I cannot wait for bedtime to come so I can have some time away from her. When we go through these phases, it is hard to enjoy being around her. I feel like an awful parent…
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I know you knew better than to expect miraculous overnight transformations of your intense and high-energy little girl into a docile compliant one – but still want to warn you not to have expectations that she’ll ever be very different temperamentally. My 19 yo is STILL the same temperament as she was when I was an overwhelmed and exhausted mom of a 5 yo. But – that intensity is wonderful – she directs it to her passions now and she’s an amazing person.
STILL hard to live with, sometimes. I still breathe deeper when she falls asleep.
Don’t feel guilty – what you think is what you think – wishing she’d be different is NORMAL when you have a kid who is so demanding and tiring. Just keep on with the direction you’re going – you’re doing just fine.
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Rest assured, you are not a bad parent. It seems like you are doing much to honor your child. My DS is all the things you mentioned, to the 100th degree. We have good days, and we have bad days… I do find a lot of time it’s the way “I” handle the situation and the mood I’m in that day which affects the way things go. But having an intense child is demanding. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. One thing I try to do everyday is to consciously enjoy my child…it may be hard to find that moment, today for me it was as we were walking to the car to go to an appointment. Well, I was walking, he was running, and twirling, and laughing…down the sidewalk with one blue sandle and one brown sandle on…and I thought, what a cool kid!-
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You’re doing a very intense form of parenting, and are bound to have some periods where the intensity is uncomfortable (unbearable maybe? lol). You’re not alone – there are many days I have wished I was unaware and could just send my kids off to school and be alone. But we are aware and, I believe, making the very best choice to help our kids to grow up and through their stages as whole and cherished people.
Some of the things we’ve done to help with giving me a break from the intensity:
*like you, we have had some babysitters
*he watches TV/videos – I was always opposed to TV and he watched none for the first 3 years, but it has actually been a nice addition to our house. He and I appreciate the quiet time, which he was often unable to settle in for before.
*we have a second computer (passed down from my sister) which we have set up for him to play games on. That way we can be in the same room and he feels connected to me while I get some personal time. Also, it prevents him vying with me for time on the computer which used to create conflict.
* I try to find some quiet time to be just with him (usually while our 1.5yo naps or plays with my dh) which helps us when I need some non-interactive time later. I’ve already given him some focused time and he is more patient with the time I want for myself or when I want to be in the same room but
doing a different activity.
*He has a playspace in the house that is a place he can go alone, and other people come in by invitation only. I never thought he would want to play alone, but I think the lack of distraction and the ability to set up his play as he chooses and leave it up as long as he wants helps him to get involved deeply which gives me some stretches of time to renew my energy. Also he is experiencing that one way people get renewal is by having some
time alone.
